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Tech Archive
192 roasts filed under Tech. Filtered archive, newest first.
Assa Abloy 'Integrates' Level by Axing Most of It
The acquisition that turned a smart lock startup's traditional-looking deadbolts into a footnote under Kwikset.
Apple's Flagship Headphones 'Discounted' Until Walmart Runs Dry
Amazon's already sold out, Walmart still has the AirPods Max 2 at $399, proving the 'deal' was mostly theater.
OpenAI IPO Audit Flags Advisers Pushing Delay
Start-up grapples with financial challenges while its executive gets told to sit on the biggest payday in tech.
Microsoft Stretches Windows 10 Life Support One More Year
The extended update program gets another extension because a quarter of PCs refuse to quit running the previous operating system
Notion Mail Audit: Agent Takeover Claims Another Inbox
Company discontinuing email service as users increasingly let the AI agent run the whole damn show.
General Intuition Bets Millions on Gameplay Fixing AI
Company raises $320M claiming endless game data will develop something called real-world intuition.
Absurdity Audit: Neoclouds Pay $15M to Go Live Sooner
Netris provides switch software that operators claim will shave days off AI setups, backed by a16z faith.
Prime Day Apple Audit: Discounted Dreams, Zero Receipts
A formal review finds the best AirPods and smartwatch deals are mostly just Amazon doing Amazon things again.
Deezer's Remix Feature: Consent as AI's Polite Fig Leaf
Streaming service goes contrarian by letting fans remix songs, provided the artist signs off on whatever comes next.
Oracle Fires 21K to Bankroll Its Debt-Fueled AI Build
The company calls it 'streamlining' while its layoffs directly subsidize billions in infrastructure and new debt.
Anthropic’s Claude Tag Now Lives in Your Slack Forever
The enterprise productivity upgrade is mostly just an always-on listener hoovering institutional knowledge one passive-aggressive thread at a time.
Apple Shuttered Its Unionized Location Over 'Declining Conditions'
The surrounding mall suddenly looked terrible the minute workers unionized, because nothing says coincidence like perfect timing.
TechCrunch Founder Summit Audit Flags $190 Bootcamp Grift
Four days left to save cash on a summit that's basically paid networking cosplay for founders who already know it's crap.
Tech Companies Blame AI for Layoffs They Planned Anyway
The running list of announced layoffs keeps growing as employers discover AI makes a convenient PR shield for chopping headcount.
Satellite Rescue Already a Success Because They Bothered Trying
PR declares victory lap before the mission even leaves the ground in record time.
Xperia 1 VIII Audit Exposes Sony's Zoom Retreat
Four generations of continuous optical zoom axed for an aesthetic tweak that still won't reach normal buyers
Go's Record IPO Funds Robotaxis to Dodge Driver Drought
Japan's biggest listing so far this year hands the taxi-hailing app cash to pursue acquisitions instead of fixing its existential staffing mess.
French Startup Scrapping Rocket Name Over Trademark Tantrum
The launch equivalent of renaming your kid because the neighbor already called dibs on it.