Roast Station
Tech Archive
192 roasts filed under Tech. Filtered archive, newest first.
TechCrunch Battlefield 200: Apply Now to Lose Quietly
Applications close May 27 for the startup visibility that mostly means your rejection gets archived with the others.
TechCrunch's 'Early Bird Savings' Is Just a Price Hike Countdown
Register now or pay the new increased prices for Disrupt 2026 because nothing says innovation like manufactured urgency in San Francisco.
Gadgets That Make Your Adulting Feel Like a Win
TechCrunch pushes kitchen robots for stirring soup and kneading dough as proof you've nailed adulthood.
AI Executives Declare Us All Meat Computers
Philosophy's old term lands an ominous new job when cognitive science meets tech circles with zero self-awareness.
Starship's 'Mostly Successful' Debut: Orbit? Still Not Today
SpaceX labels another test flight a win even though the starship never reached low-earth orbit.
Ferrari AI Audit: Superfans Still Mostly Imaginary
Scuderia partners with IBM to create superfans and somehow redefines the same old experience with extra dashboards.
Russian Satellites Orbit a RadarSat in Polite Menace Mode
The 'not common for typical missions' line tries to dress up four birds playing bumper cars with Ukrainian support hardware.
Author Defends AI After It Faked Quotes in His Book
Rosenbaum calls the synthetic mess a feature, not a bug, in The Future of Truth.
Spotify's AI Now Fakes Your Daily Concert Chats
PR calls it 'personal podcasts' — reality is a robot scraping your streaming history to narrate fake local updates.
Toyota Calls PHEV Charging Stats 'Encouraging'
The automaker wants praise for plug-in hybrids getting plugged in more, because apparently not ignoring the cord entirely now counts as progress.
Volvo EV Audit Flags Ambitions That Never Left the Lot
An official review confirms it's been trying to keep the electric business alive while the gas exit got quietly shelved.
AI Assistants ‘Succeed’ at Drug-Retargeting by Guessing Hypotheses
PR declares basic idea generation a scientific win while real analysis stays with humans
China Enlists Courts to Stop AI Job Displacement
Precedent-setting rulings promise AI can flourish without workers paying the expense.
Karpathy Ditches OpenAI for Anthropic Pre-Training Audit
The co-founder who helped build the model now shows up at the rival's lab to fix their foundation layers.
Absurdity Audit: Musk's Delayed OpenAI Suit Gets Unanimously Torched
Jury's decision lands fast and the judge immediately affirmed it, turning the whole appeal into expensive theater.
Google's AI Spam Audit: Now Banning Your Sneaky Bullshit Tricks
In a shock twist, the search giant labels 'manipulation' attempts as spam—because nothing screams innovation like policing your own dumpster fire.
TMZ's 'Disturbing' Scoop: Celeb Dog Zepa Kicks the Kennel
Apologies to fans for the heartbreak—because a pet passing trumps actual scandals every time.
TMZ Drops Serial Killer Mic: Heuermann's Mega Guilty Plea
Seven murders confessed, eighth TBD—entertainment news hits peak absurdity.