Roast Station
Every Roast, Properly Filed.
655 roasts in the newsroom so far. This page is the real browse surface: paginated, filterable, and built to keep the archive readable instead of pretending to be a second homepage.
Absurdity Audit: Neoclouds Pay $15M to Go Live Sooner
Netris provides switch software that operators claim will shave days off AI setups, backed by a16z faith.
JPMorgan Succession Bleeds Out Another Lake
Marianne Lake exits as yet another potential successor, leaving the bank thinner while the longstanding executive clings on.
Micron Outlook Cranks Market Ego Meter to Ludicrous
Stocks climb on chipmaker forecasts while the artificial-intelligence trade pretends one data release erased all risk.
Matlala Pleads Guilty, Offers Evidence on High-Ranking Officials
The 'cooperating witness' label gets stretched when prosecutors suddenly discover corruption has important names attached.
Prime Day Apple Audit: Discounted Dreams, Zero Receipts
A formal review finds the best AirPods and smartwatch deals are mostly just Amazon doing Amazon things again.
Sevastopol's Governor Promises Lights by Evening Like It's a Rain Delay
Moscow-installed spin turns Ukraine strikes into a temporary inconvenience for the biggest city in Crimea.
Deezer's Remix Feature: Consent as AI's Polite Fig Leaf
Streaming service goes contrarian by letting fans remix songs, provided the artist signs off on whatever comes next.
Frankel’s ‘Biggest Beauty Discovery’ Hits Prime Day Clearance
When every rave review lines up with the sale price, the discovery starts sounding more like a deal memo.
Mamdani-Backed Progressives Steamroll Democratic Primaries
Absurdity audit confirms the establishment just took a hell of a beating from three targeted wins.
ElevenLabs AI Caine Odyssey Is Peak Corporate Laziness
They announced a 13-hour Michael Caine narrating version while real stars already exist for Christopher Nolan's film
Ego Meter Hits Boiling Point Over Open Schools
Officials in Britain insist classrooms without air-conditioning can handle record temperatures while teachers and parents watch the delusion climb.
Micron Earnings Loom as AI Gets Benefit of Doubt
Stocks climb ahead of results while investors pretend artificial intelligence spending has already paid off.
Hank Hill's Eternal Youth Scam Exposed at Annecy Screening
Mike Judge vows zero aging for the propane salesman while Hank rages at electric trucks like it's 1997.
Oracle Fires 21K to Bankroll Its Debt-Fueled AI Build
The company calls it 'streamlining' while its layoffs directly subsidize billions in infrastructure and new debt.
Anthropic’s Claude Tag Now Lives in Your Slack Forever
The enterprise productivity upgrade is mostly just an always-on listener hoovering institutional knowledge one passive-aggressive thread at a time.
Audit Exposes U.S.-Iran Nuclear Talks As Competing Fan Fiction
One side claims inspections, the other says discussions never happened — classic case of two narratives refusing to occupy the same timeline.
Audit: Early Land Animals Skipped The Tadpole Bullshit
Current amphibian development gets exposed as the weird exception rather than the baseline for vertebrates.
SpaceX Stock Opens Blockbuster Then Immediately Starts Slumping
PR calls it healthy trading. Reality says the company hit public markets at peak delusion and gravity showed up fast.